Name solution

I posted not so long ago about the name changes happening in South Africa. Seemingly a new name or two every seven years or so seems to be the new precedent. This means that everyone reading this not from our lovely country, will need to pop out and buy new atlases due to the whim of a despot or two here.

Regardless, I have come up with two simple and elegant solutions that can not offend anyone, not be politically aligned with anyone, nor be a somewhat 'iffy' memorial to a somewhat arguably 'iffy' politician. Change all of South Africa's names annually. In all 11 languages and to commemorate every politician, sports person and/or artist. This way, we all get our 15 minutes of national fame. It would cost billions, but think of the benefit to the printing and sign making industry!

Solution 2 is the beauty: rename everything now after phone book codes. Joburg becomes 011. Cape Town 021. Durban 031 etc etc. Thus, the identity crisis stricken Joburg's airport (Jan Smuts International (after a politician) to Joburg International (nice and neutral) to OR Tambo International (swinging back to a politician) 011 International Airport. No nationalism, politicians or bigwigging involved.

Traffic lights affect brainwaves

Have you noticed how when you are far back in the traffic queue at a red stop light, your reactions exceed those of your fellow drivers near the light by a factor of ten? Your mind pre-empts the change to green. Your foot is already slowly depressing the accelerator when the colour change happens. Yet, the three or so cars in front don't move! They sit and they sit and they sit. Then the front one moves forward slowly. The gap between it and car two widens and widens and widens. Then, and only then, does the queue start to move.

It all happens in slow motion. You and the impatient person you can see in your rear view mirror are all hot under the collar and wondering why the people in front of you were issued with licenses in the first place.

Until the fateful day when you are at the front of the queue waiting for the light to change to green. Then and only then do you realise, brains do not operate at peak efficiency close to traffic lights...

Like a proud parent

The new franchise business that my two partners and I started (three full months at the end of July 2006) managed to make it into the group 'achievers' lists for the first time. Based on sales, our sales person has made it into the top 20 and our business into the top 5 in our 'specialist franchise' category. That was a great way to start the day for us all. None of them read this blog, but well done all! I feel as chuffed as a proud parent :-)

School holidays

Not having the dubious pleasure of having offspring, the every-few-monthly ritual of school holidays affects millions of people the world over. No doubt, everyone experiences the same phenomena.

The number of total people in a population is relatively stable, providing an unexpected plague doesn't hit. People are born and people die. This said, the number of parents and children remains steady. When school is on, traffic is a nightmare. Jams, jams and more jams.

However, come school holidays, the road to work is paved with gold. No traffic jams; no having to get up before the birds to beat the traffic; no getting home after the owls have gone to sleep to miss the traffic.

Yet - and here's the quandary - despite this, the number of people at work remains the same - and people arrive and leave at more or less the same time. If this is true, then why is traffic worse when the kids are at school? And I'm not talking about schools on every road causing jams - just your regular everyday freeway/highway.

It's as if road logic somehow uses an alternate reality during school term. People travel back and forth faster and more randomly when children are present. Or cars split into four, occupying the space of four and lack of driving ability of four while maintaining the illusion of one.

During school term, sitting in the jam - it's all working people. No kids bouncing around in the back on the way to school. During school holidays, it's all working people. No kids bouncing around in the back on the way to the beach.

What the fuck?

It's a sign!

You have to smile when it all comes together beautifully. This sign is (or was sometime during 2004/5) posted outside the Spar supermarket in Olivedale, Johannesburg. Do you think they have a problem with 4X4 and SUV drivers, perhaps? Just one smallish victory for car park etiquette.

Where are the Brangelina when you need them?

The Nambians (the country put on the wold map by Brangelina) have taken to culling baby cape fur seals. The reason? As there are so few fish in the sea, the seals are competing with humans, thus they are a threat, so kill them and eat them, thud. This is African logic at work - and you have to admit - there is a logic there.

What the Namibian government doesn't see, is that it is humans who have overeaten the fish in the first place and that managing fish stocks properly, as well as curbing the appetitie of parisitic humans, is the correct way to handle the situation. Of course, the fact that the seals aren't in decline due to there being no base food for them either, does not work it's way into their reason for culling - another slightly warped logic.

Culling is just the way to not attract international celebrities, who tend to be quite polarised on cuddly cutesy issues. Way to go Namibia. There goes your celebrity beach birth dollar money!

Only in Africa

A name is a name is a name. Emotive to some - not important to others. Regardless of where your name loyalties lie, what South Africa seems to be expert at is changing them. By whoever, after whoever.

Take Johannesburg's airport: Jan Smuts airport, to Johannesburg International Airport to O.R Tambo International Airport. Three names in the space of 11 years. Once, to get rid of the past. Twice, because - well, just because.

Take the northern-most part of South Africa. Used to be the northern Transvaal, then the Northern Province and most recently, Limpopo. Again, all in the space of 11 years.

Take the tabled changes for another province formerly known as Natal, currently known as KwaZulu Natal and possibly soon to be known just as KwaZulu.

Our problem is that there are just too many stakeholders. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame - despite promises to keep things neutral and politically 'correct'.

But a name is a name is a name. Heck, my mother still refers to Rhodesia and South West Africa. Does she care what the sign says on the town outskirts? Not really.

Perhaps we could get donor funding on standing order to foot all the continual and ongoing name changes? What do you say donor countries? It will certainly keep all the map-makers busy worldwide and provide income for them for generations.

How traffic cops could make more money and save lives

Cape Town's ever efficient traffic police like to make their money by targetting rush hour drivers. Not ones to stop the violent drunk driving accidents that happen at night by having random speed traps at night, they know their 'cash cow' is the 9-5 worker.

Capetonians love jumping red lights. Amber seems to mean accelerate to warp speed and cross the intersection as fast as possible before the oncoming traffic hits your car.

So, to make really efficient money during 9-5, the traffic cops should set up at intersections with traffic lights. Not only will they get optimum speed fines due to the warp speed light-jump factor, but will also get to issue a second ticket for illegally jumping a red light.

Everyone wins.

When animals attack

People often forget that animals are animals. They have minds of their own (yes - a cognitive process of sorts) and thus, are apt to do things their way which may not be the human way. Perhaps we are too comfortable in our shrink-wrap society where the closes we get to an 'animal' in our day to day lives is as a slab of coloured meat on a polyurethene tray in the supermarket. People have been known to get out of their cars to pose for photos in Africa's national parks - and pay for it dearly. A female hiker was mauled by a wild bear last week in Alaska. People get injured and killed by sharks. But all of this happens in the wild, the animal's habitat.

Spain, on the other hand, has mastered the art of tormenting cattle to the point where they become so enraged, they charge. Even if 'domesticated', it's never a good idea to be on the receiving end of a large animals' charge. Anyone with a huge dog will vouch for the strength and weight when they jump on you. Anyone silly enough to partake in the Pamploma festivities - and even professional matadors - really do get what they deserve.

Animals aren't to blame when they attack, it's mostly people who are at fault. Respect the wild, people.